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Johnny Depp- I bet you 100 bucks that people will love me more than you, even if I play a half-drunk pirate with more eye makeup than the author of this parody that completely over-exaggerates the buccaneer stereotype.
Orlando Bloom- You’re on! I’m still 10 times hotter than you, and younger! Burnt now!
Johnny Depp- They only loved you as an elf. And your character’s a pretty boy with no personality.
Orlando Bloom-*simmer*... Maybe I should get a cool hat at the end or something....
--------------- Pirates of the Caribbean ---------------
Mini Elizabeth- Pirates are wicked cool. Yo ho yo ho... something something.
Governor Swann- Wicked, yes. Cool, no. Empty your head of such evil thoughts, my child.
Mini Elizabeth- But daddy, I like lawbreaking murderous scalawags! I plan to marry one someday.
Governor Swann- What was that, dear?
Mini Elizabeth- Er, nothing... is that a boy floating in the water?
Governor Swann- It’s hard to see through all this CGI, symbolism-laden fog.
*Crew pulls mini Legolas- er, Will - out of the water*
Mini Elizabeth- Oh, can we keep him? Please please please?
Governor Swann- Yeah, sure, whatever you want, kid.
--------------- Pirates of the Caribbean ---------------
Elizabeth- That dream seemed familiar... hm. Oh well.
*pulls out medallion that she sto- ‘borrowed” from Will 10 years ago for, er, safekeeping.*
Audience- She still has that?
Governor Swann- I’m ten years older. Note the white wig.
Governor Swann- Now, get into this breathtakingly tight corset-thingy. Who knows, maybe it will help you escape marrying a man that you really can’t stand so the poor (yet very hot) blacksmith will have a chance. Whom I hate.
Elizabeth- Can’t object if I can’t breathe, I guess. *gasp*
--------------- Pirates of the Caribbean ---------------
Will- Marry me.
Elizabeth- Go away. I prefer men that have pointy ears and blonde wigs.
Girls in Audience- Idiot...
Will- Now, allow me to do a neat sword trick. *neat sword trick*
Swann- Agh! Watch the wig, sonny!
Elizabeth- Will, I love you more than the world.
Will- You do?!
Elizabeth- Yes, but I won’t admit it in your face for thirty more scenes.
Swann- Well, I'd PREFER (hint hint) if you married the new Commodore.
Commodore- Why was I promoted to Commodore?... I was only a stock hand yesterday... wow, hot girl.
Elizabeth- Allow me to make a witty pun about me choking on a corset.
Commodore- Won't matter, since I’m completely ignorant of your lack of affection towards me.
Elizabeth- You make my heart flutter- or that, too, could be the corset.
Commodore- Really? That’s good enough, let’s get hitched.
Elizabeth- Let’s not and say we did. Oops, fell in the water.
meanwhile, at the dock
Jack- I'm so cool, it ain't funny any more. *ship half-sinks*
Dockwatcher-Was it ever funny? It makes my heart beat faster, oops, I mean, It's a shilling to dock your boat, sir.
Jack- Boat? What boat? .... Oh; that boat!... Not mine. I stole it. And in case you didn’t notice, it’s kinda submerged in the water.
* a bit later*
Idiotic Guard #1- There is no Black Pearl.
Idiotic Guard #2- Is so.
Idiotic Guard #1- Is not.
Jack- Yo, humbugs.
Idiotic Guard #1- That’s cool! Anything Johnny Depp does is cool!
Idiotic Guard #2- Shut up! What are you doing in Port Royal? And no lies!
Jack- I've come to steal and commodore one of these ships, hire a band of thugs and mercenaries, and then take Bloom on some forbidden Jedi crusade, just like his father did.
Obi-Wan- He does not lie. His father was once a 'knight', but that was a long time ago...since, oh, before you were born.
Idiotic Guard #1- Whozzat?
Obi- Wan- Er, gotta run!
Jack- Mate, this be my flik. Now, walk the plank, or I will be forced to look more sexy than Bloom.
Female Audience- You already do... at the moment.
Idiotic Guard #1- Or you could go save that chick girl just fell of that cliff at this convenient instant... oh, that’s the governor’s daughter. Sucks that I can’t swim.
Jack- What girl?
*splash*
Jack- Oh... that one. Here, hold this.
Idiotic Guard #1- I'm holding Johnny Depp's clothes! *swoon* *faint*
--------------- Pirates of the Caribbean ---------------
Jack- Saving the chick... saving the chick. Watch my flawless dive in silent awe... saving the chick...
Elizabeth- If I were conscious, I wouldn’t appreciate you calling me that.
Commodore- We respect you’re modesty so much that we’ll let you die for it.
Jack- Luckily for you, lass, I don’t! Here, hold this.
Idiotic Guard #1- Why is this less thrilling than holding his clothes?
Commodore Norrington- Guess what the reward for your valiant effort is?
Jack- Wig powder, so my hair will be as magnificent as yours?
Commodore- No, death. You were pretty close though.
Elizabeth- You can’t kill the Sexiest Man Alive. He’s apparently immortal, since he managed to win it even though he’s at the ripe old age of 41.
Jack- True, that. I also have the slight advantage of having you nearby to hold as a hostage.
Commodore Norrington- Oh bother.
Jack- Gape at my sexy pirateness and cool tricks.
Guards-*gape*
--------------- Pirates of the Caribbean ---------------
Will- I’m so pretty. I just can’t stand it.
Blacksmith- ....
Will- I agree. Sucks to be you.
Jack- Hey. Just dropping in for a friendly visit, in which I hide from the King’s Guard. They are following me completely on coincidence.
Will- Aren’t you the dude that... well, you didn’t really kidnap her... or murder anybody... what exactly did you do?
Jack- Saved her life.
Will- You fiend! I’m going to kill you with witty banter and swordplay!
Jack- I don’t have time! Could we do this later?
Will-*slash* *stab* *banter*
Jack- That’s a no.
Commodore- Here I bes!
Jack- Crap.
--------------- Pirates of the Caribbean ---------------
Swann- It's a bit chilly tonight.... the thermometer says eighty-two
Commodore- Guess what? There is NOT a cannonball headed for your head, so feel free to not duck so I’ll get a promotion and be supreme ruler of all... wherever we are.
Swann- Wha?...*duck*
Commodore- Shiz... oh well, go hide in my office like the useless powderpuff you are... that's an order.
Will- Hmm... foreboding fog. That and a buttload of orcs, er, pirates.
Ugly Pirate- I wuz Lurtz, but now I be a scalawag now! Kill all the pretty people!
Prisoner- Here doggy... nice juicy bone...whoops, bye now.
Jack- Me hates you.
Will- Attack! I fight with witty puns and sharp pointy things.
Chinese Pirate- BOOM! Or, that failing, *clunk*
Pirate nearby- Did you hear about Wong... knocked out Orlando Bloom...
Other pirate nearby- Awesome...
Pirate#1- Hi, chum! *pow*
Elizabeth- *girl scream* running* hiding*
P#2- come here... um.... think of funky word....oh... Poppet...
P#1- the gold calls to us... it is precious to us.... we must have it... Poppet...
P#1- This be our jewelry...
Elizabeth- What kind of man wears jewelry? This is messed up... I want herbs... er... parsley!
P#2- She said parlay! Now we gotta take her to our captain, with his bad self!
Barbosa- I'm a cheapskate, I'm crafty, and I have a monkey. I should soooooo win an Emmy.
Jack Monkey- Ah ur.
Elizabeth- I thought pirates had parrots... I am naive. Here's your shiny object. Now... I command you to take me back!
--------------- Pirates of the Caribbean ---------------
Commodore Norrington- I’ll point at various places on this map with a grave face.
Will- In other words, you’ll do nothing.
Commodore- Um, duh. That’s what rich people do, according to the director.
Gore Verbinski- And I would know, since this movie made millions at the box office.
Will- Well, I object in a completely civilized manner. Whoops, my axe slipped.
Commodore- You crazy. I don’t care. Go rescue the chick.
Elizabeth- If I could hear you, I would be objecting.
Will- I’m NOT going to let a thieving buccaneer out of jail to guide me to the ship.
Commodore- Yeah, sure, whatever. Could I get a lint roller? My coat is in dire need of rescue from vicious loose threads.
--------------- Pirates of the Caribbean ---------------
Jack- Life sucks. But I’m sure I’ll find a way to- Oh, hello, Will, mate! Bestest buddy in the world!
Will- Like the naive ijjit that I am... help me rescue the chick.
Elizabeth-*doesn’t catch it this time*
Jack- Sure... I’m just gonna need your soul.
Will- You suck.
Jack- What’s your name again?
Will- Um, you called me by my name earlier...
Jack- Oops, I wasn’t sposed to know that... Will Turner. Your name is crappy, so I take pity on you. I’ll help.
Will- Er, thanks?
--------------- Pirates of the Caribbean ---------------
Will- Oh yeah, and no one's gonna notice the possessed boat that walks on it's own free will.
Jack- Shut up. All this jewelry stimulates my brain cells. I'm smarter than you.
Will- Okay, they didn't notice that. But they DO notice the barrel moving through the water on it's own free will.
Jack- WHICH IS YOUR FAULT, ELF BOY!!!
Will- Stupid pirate line to the rescue! Why's everyone laughing?
Commodore Norrington-...
Crew-...
Jack-...
Audience- Slightly brainless, but still pretty.
--------------- Pirates of the Caribbean ---------------
Will- Through some complicated means, they prepared a ship for us.
Jack- Aye! *pirate lingo, slurred drunken monotone, etc.*
Will- MY FATHER WAS A WHAT??
Jack- I suggest you get over it, since your now, like, swinging on a wooden thingy...
Will- *gets over it*
--------------- Pirates of the Caribbean -------------
Elizabeth- This dress does not match my eyes.
Barbosa- Have an apple.
Elizabeth- I'M NOT STUPID LIKE SNOW WHITE!
Barbosa- Why would I poison you? mwahahaha
Elizabeth- Cuz you're a freak!
Barbosa- Not yet...
Elizabeth- Well, I'm feeling murderous, so *stab*
Barbosa- Now, did you really think that would work?
Elizabeth- Yes, actually.
Pirates- We be zombies.
Elizabeth- No duh. EEK!
Jack the Monkey- Ah ur.
Elizabeth- EEK! *shut door* hide in corner*.... .... happy thoughts...
----------------------------POTC------------------------
Jack- Here, we have a load of flea-ridden buccaneers to crew MY ship.
Will- And now, I will rescue a damsel in distress. I got tired of rescuing hobbits in distress.
Jack- well, lemme get out this neat compass.
Will- It's busted, you screwed up corsair.
Jack- Well, who said we were finding North? We're finding Elizabeth, remember?
Will- What was my dad like?
Jack- He liked boots.
Will- So he was a shoemaker! Ha!
----------------------------POTC------------------------
Barbosa- Okay, this is the moment we’ve all been waiting for. Let’s get ready to ruuuuumble!
Barbosa- *plays taps on the world’s smallest trumpet*
Elizabeth- *wiggin out but not showing it*
Barbosa- Drumroll!
Crew- JUST GET ON WITH IT ALREADY!
Barbosa- *gets on with it*
Elizabeth- Cool. I wasn’t decapitated.
Barbosa- Less cool, it didn’t work. Crap. I think I’ll toss you over there.
Will- *giggle* GOTCHA!
Elizabeth- I think I prefer the undead crew of murderous scalawags.
Will- Nonsense! Let’s go!
----------------------------POTC------------------------
Elizabeth- Well, we escaped.
Will- Yeah, too bad they’ve caught up with us.
Barbosa- Hiya. We’re gonna do ya a favor and blow your ship up.
Jack- Gee, thanks. How could we ever repay you?
Barbosa- By leaving Orlando Bloom trapped in some small space with water flowing in threatening to drown him. It’s okay, my monkey got the shiny object.
Jack- Okay. Why’s the rum gone?
Elizabeth- Too early. And by the way, you suck.
Jack- Hey, I’m just saving my-
Elizabeth- Forget you. I’ll rescue him. Saving the moron... saving the moron... Jack is a *&$#. saving the moron...
Will- I’m a little too preoccupied with eminent death to object.
Barbosa- Oops. I forgot.
Ship- *explodes*
Elizabeth- Well, that worked nicely. Now I can’t save the moron, ‘cuz he’s in bite-sized pieces.
Will- Hey peeps. What’d I miss?
Barbosa- How’d you survive?
Will- Doesn’t matter. Let’s skip to the part where I say the cool line... that doesn’t do me much good.
Barbosa- Why should we care if you blow yourself up again?
Will- ‘Cuz I have the crappy name!!!
Barbosa- Oh. Put him in the ship-prison thingy.
Will- The brig?
Barbosa- You got it.
Jack- Why’s the rum gone?
Elizabeth- Still too early.
Jack- oops.
*Elizabeth and Jack are dropped off on the Godforsaken island, yada yada, she discovers that he’s actually almost as moronic as Orli, blah blah, she gets pissed, yerda yerda, makes a pretty fire with the rum*
Jack- Um...
Elizabeth- You can say it now.
Jack- Heagle Schmeagle Beagle. *drunken stupor*
----------------------------POTC------------------------
Norrington- You will once again remember this as the day we caught Jack Sparrow.
Jack- Oh goody, I'm being hanged... for the second time.
Elizabeth- I'll give you smoochies if you spare his worthless life.
Norrington- Allrighty then, off to the cursed island.
Jack- And here I thought I was gonna be hanged...
Norrington- Now, then... we didn't say WHEN we would hang you.
Jack- Crudapples.
Co-Author- *snicker*
-----------------------POTC---------------------
Barbosa- THIS time, we got the right guy.
Will- How about you DON'T sacrifice me. I'm pretty.
Elizabeth- I choose to save the love of every girl's life.
Every Girl (except the author, who is not longer obsessed with him and therefore feels comfortable making pretty-boy jokes in this parody)- *swoon*
Jack- Aha! It's me again!
Barbosa- Somebody please kill him. He’s pulling a Boromir. And a Jaws.
Pirates- Argh.
Will- Some help would be appreciated.
Red Coats- Our ship is boring...
*pirates come onboard*
Red Coats-... but it just got a lot more interesting.
Swann- Agh! Zombie-hand!
*So wimpy governor does battle with a zombie hand, while the crew fights the actual zombies*
Barbosa-*swish*stab*swashbuckle*poke*zing*stab*
Jack- Well, that's interesting
Audience- But he wasn't undead earlier...
Very observant people (not the author)- But he stole a thingamabob out of the chest.. so now he’s cursed too.
Will- Die, zombie pirates.
Pirates- We can't die, so nyeah.
Elizabeth- Well then, blow up.
Pirates- *BOOM*
Barbosa- Die, Jack.
Jack- I'm kinda busy *stab*, mebbe later.
Will- Let's end this... ouch... that hurt.
Barbosa- Curses... the curse is broken and the curse no longer curses me...*dead*
Pirates- WE SURRENDER! WE LIKE BEING ALIVE!
*some time later*
Norrington- Now, you will all remember this as the day that we hang Captain Jack Sparrow.
Will- Me to the rescue, pirate-style! WITH A COOL HAT! IN YOUR FACE!
Norrington- Now I have a reason to shoot both of them.
Elizabeth- Don't kill them. I love him.
Jack- Me?
Elizabeth- No.
Norrington- Me?
Elizabeth- No.
Will- Me?
Elizabeth- Yeps, now sail off into the symbolic sunset, Jack.
*sails off*
Norrington-... can I kill them now?
Swann- No.
Norrington-... Then how about the sequel. That way, I'll have a reason to come back.
-------------------------------THE END------------------------
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